My Truth: Questions, Insecurities and Anxiety
Questions I’ve been given the opportunity to ask myself this summer: “What is an Actor?, “What is friendship?”, “Who am I?”, and “Where is home?”. What do all these questions have in common? They are all questions I thought I knew the answer to. Silly me. I should know by now that when I think I know the answer, that’s exactly when my answers will be questioned. I experience my truth, my art and my happiness only when I’m comfortable enough with my insecurities to ask myself questions. How do I get to that level of comfort? Repetition. Repetition makes habit, but if I give into my ability to choose, I choose habits that support building a healthy relationship with my insecurities.
Art. The first spark of an idea in the back of my consciousness. Performing a rehearsed show in front of an audience. Walking down the street with friends. These are all moments of “me.” When I am secure in my insecurities in these moments, I get to bring that energy to all aspects of me. It’s always the little things. They mean everything and nothing. It’s all up to me.
I wrote something recently in reply to a friend’s Facebook post, where we were discussing anxiety. It’s been in the back of my mind to share this on a larger medium with the hope that sharing it here will give you a glimpse into what a healthy relationship with insecurities looks, feels, and sounds like in MY brain.
“I experience the extreme on both ends. Sometimes I get in my head and completely freeze, never to approach said interesting/attractive person. Then, I find myself in the best conversations with total strangers and have no idea how I got there. Some people in the comments above talked about practice and I completely agree.
In ANY situation I find nerve-racking, I think (ok, more likely mumble ;)) a personal mantra to myself. It gets me out of my head and centers me. Grounds me.
I also think riding the wave of that first impulse of curiosity is key. Act on it before I can stop myself.
I experience little things to really pile up and add to my anxiety. So I simply don’t let them. Like, REALLY little things: e.g., the sunglasses on the eccentric looking mature lady sitting at the table outside the restaurant catches my eye as I‘m passing by. “Cool sunglasses,” I think to myself. If I don’t share that thought with her, Voila! A little tiny spec of insecurity is born. “I didn’t have the courage to speak up = Maybe that’s exactly what she needed to hear today = I failed = I’m no good at approaching people”. When those pile up, heck yeah I get crippling anxiety when I want to approach someone because I’ve convinced myself that I’m bad at it! That I don’t have what it takes!! Ugh!!! What lies!!! Get outta my way self! Lol
No Really!! I got shit to do!! Hot peoples to meet!!! (wide grin emoji x3)
Acting on impulse, in my experience, supports in ridding myself of judgmental moments, which results in practice, which results in confidence.
What happened with that eccentric lady you may ask? I felt the seed of insecurity plant in my stomach as I “missed my moment” and was about half way down the block, thinking what if I just walk back to quickly share with her, when a strike of luck (or maybe my slowing pace from my thought to go back) hit. My friends I was walking with decided that the restaurant we just passed is indeed our destination. I complimented her sunglasses as I passed by a second time. She didn’t seem to care to be spoken to and I didn’t really care beyond wanting to share an impulse of “cool sunglasses.” But instead of breading insecurity, I got to bread confidence. In me, and who knows, maybe in her.” -Shino Frances, FB, July 2019